‘I’m in too deep there’s no way out’
Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

‘When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.’
Shania Twain, You’re Still The One.



Che Mie, Alyn, Muz and Me

It started off with a trip that lasted for three days. I didn’t know why I even bothered to go back. Maybe it was the longing for the scent of Kuala Kangsar, or the soothing breeze of Sungai Kangsar.

We left for Kuala early in the morning on Friday. Papa Khalid and Che Mie were my traveling companions. We stopped in Tanjung Malim to savor the delicious (almost sinful) ‘pau’ and some much needed mee gorengs before reaching Kuala Kangsar.

As soon as I saw the imposing structures of Big School, my heart sank.

‘I’m home’, I said silently.

We checked in at the ‘Hotel of the Stars’ (Sri Kangsar). The manager gave us soaps and towels. Suddenly, I felt like a ‘lady of the night’. Heheheh


Papa Khalid

My friends came later that nite. Izrin, Pyan and Eddy left for Kuala around 9.00. By 12.30, we headed to Big School. Che Mie and Papa Khalid decided to stay at Sri Kangsar.

When we got to the tent in the middle of Padang C, most of my batch members were there. Megat, Za’ba, Al, Shah, Luqman and Hezwan. We talked for a while. Mostly on works, colleges and such.

Pyan and I decided to walk to Big School.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

I touched every walls and windowsills, Balustrades and beds. I needed to have the textures etched in my head. I longed for the sensation of the wooden floors against my skin. I inhaled as much memories as I could, trying to cram everything into my head.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

I would go back year after another, searching for answers to questions so vague. I would come back empty handed.

Pyan and I talked and went from one dorm to another. Trying to point out what had changed over the last 6 years and what remained the same.

After big school, we made our way to Prep School.



Prep School

Prep School greeted me with that familiar somber and calm air. We walked from one dorm to another, identifying who slept in which bed. By the time we got to Prep School, Izrin, Eddy and Zaid joined us. Pyan was obsessed with trying to find the present 115, the others were busy pointing out this and that.

The next day, we spend hours waiting for our turn to rehearse for the nite. Around 6.30, the wind orchestra came in for their rehearsal. It was really, really good. I spotted someone in the ensemble. He reminded me of somebody I used to spend time with when I was in school. I was determined to find out more about him. (I found out later that this chap has the same name as somebody I used to spend time with when I was in school)



Che Mie and I lepaking in front of Big School

The rehearsal went well. The only thing that I was kinda disappointed in was the sound system. I could barely hear my voice let alone sing in tune.

By the time the rehearsal was over, I was so tired. We had dinner in Lembah with a couple of people. Muz, Alyn (Muz’s wife), Dr Mohazmi and Morkymoqq.

I went back to my room and I fell asleep until 8.30. Thank god Che Mie woke me up or I’d sleep all nite.

We headed towards Hargreaves Hall to perform for the nite. It was raining that nite. We stayed backstage as we waited for our turn. We (Che Mie and I) sang our song, ‘Seribu Impian’. Despite the audio problems, we sang full heartedly.

I sang that song when I was in F1 back in 1996. Suddenly all those memories flooded my heart. It was surreal.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand

Somebody came up and sang ‘Runaway Train’. Mase tuh I just couldn’t contain what I felt anymore. I shed a couple of tears. And then somebody came up and sang ‘Still got the Blues’. That time I almost choke on my tears. But I held it back. Afraid that somebody might see.



Gary Moore - Still Got The Blues

Used to be so easy
to give my heart away
But I've found out the hard way
there's a price you have to pay
I found that love
was no friend of mine
I should have known
time after time

So long, it was so long ago
but I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy
to fall in love again
But I've found out the hard way
it's a road that leads to pain
I've found out that love
was more than just a game
you play on to win
but you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago
but I've still got the blues for you

so many years
since I've seen your face
but here in my heart
there's an empty space
where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago
but I've still got the blues for you
Though the days come and go
there's one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you

The concert ended with a blast. Somebody sang ‘Sweet Child Of Mine’. Mase tuh, I didn’t know what to do anymore. Thank god Za’ba was sitting next to me after most of my friends decided to leave the hall.

We screamed like nobody’s business. Maybe it was the song, maybe it was the venue, and maybe it was our hearts. Whatever it was we were 17 again that nite.

The next morning,I woke up with this shitty feeling in my heart. If only I’d stay back that nite and spend the nite in Pavillion.

We had breakfast and headed to Prep School to give the remaining of my cake to one of the Prep School prefects I met the nite before.

We left around 1.

To Che Mie:
Isn’t he lovely

To Papa Khalid:
Thanks for being such a nice companion

To Pyan:
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town

To Muz and Alyn:
You guys are cool

To a certain Prep School prefect:
Why lah did you go and follow those people pergi minum?

In the words of Tunku Adnan,
"We can never say 'goodbye', we can only say 'till we meet again'"

I don’t know how to put all the feelings that I felt in the past three days into words.
I don’t think I can. Even if I could, I don’t think I want to. I think some things are better left unsaid.


Some Pics are from Che Mie's Blog. The Big School pic is from Kichi's Fotopages