In a few weeks time I will make my yearly pilgrimage back to Kuala Kangsar, home to Malay College Kuala Kangsar.

Despite initial doubts of whether I’ll be driving or ‘tumpang’-ing Che Mie, (driving = spending some needed time alone with a certain gentleman, ‘tumpang’-ing= laughter laced roadtrip), I have prepared enough things to make my stay in Kuala Kangsar…erm…I wanna use the word ‘chic’, but lets just stick to ‘interesting’.

A few teachers of mine back in Kuala Kangsar have insisted that I book a room soon since Kuala Kangsar does not have that many hotels (3, I think). Why stay at the hotel when you can stay for free in college? Simple. Some of us may have special needs that can only be fulfilled in the privacy provided by these hotels. Some need to blow their hair, other simply need to blow.

I need to bring some toiletries and towels and thongs (for feet) to avoid accidents and mishaps when taking shower inside the infamous door-less toilets of MCKK (in case rooms are all fully booked). I nearly died when I had no shorts to shower in (underwear in the shower? No, definitely not my style), during the Centennial Celebration.

Also, we will be bringing enough ‘beauty’ products (moisturizer -damn hot-lah Kuala Kangsar, mineral water-nak beli kat KK? Good luck trying to park your car in KK during OBW, hair dryer-because we’re worth it?) to face the harsh reality of that beauty driven,disciminating school (only those who’re fair were favored, I didn’t discover the benefit of Estee Lauder White Light back then, so sadly I too was discriminated)

Food is optional since I need to fit into my ‘weird’ looking green and white cardigan, to be worn in case suddenly God decides to bless the town with rain. Shoes? Loafers, since we are all too lazy and too busy to be tying our own shoes. Pants? Khakis, lots of ‘em, with (erm) crested polo t-shirts.

Sunglasses? A must. To avoid being recognized by unwanted people. The bigger the better.

Spiritual preparations?

This is very important in case one of your friends turn out to be pigging his way through life, get married, become a millionaire. Thus, one shall have to go with an open mind and deep, deep faith, (preferably deeper than Madonna’s the night she performed You Must Love Me life in front of Millions of Viewers, Oscar 1997).

Case in point, one old boy nearly lost his breath when he found out that his ‘friends’ when he was in college got married without telling him. He can very well say goodbye to you know what.

Last but never the least cash, see you don’t have to be spending all of them in Kuala Kangsar, God forbid if you plan to do so, since there’s hardly anything worth buying there. You should be extra careful with your cash. Case in point, moi circa 2004, OBW.

Current students are driven by money, apparently someone started this rumor that the old boys have private ATM machines in their wallets, thus prompted the current boys to attack the Old Boys viciously. I ran out of cash 2 hours before going back to KL. Not very good.

Places to be seen at in Kuala Kangsar

1. Yut Loy, very famous for its delicious food. Come early or you‘ll be forced to wait for 2 hours just to get a seat. I seriously think they should re-open the first floor dining area to accommodate the growing number of visitors during OBW. Eat as much as possible. Halal? Do we look like we care?

2. Big Field. Under those trees preferably to avoid premature ageing. Mingle with captains of industries and if you’re lucky, Maria Farida.

3. Kota Lama. Tres Chic. A plus if you have a summer house there.

4. The balconies of Big School.

5. The cendol stalls. One word. Tradition, tradition, tradition


Places NOT to be seen at in Kuala Kangsar

1. Lembah with current boys, unless you’re a father or a brother of a current boy. Read: Micheal Jackson

2. Bus stand, trying to catch the 2.30 bus to Ipoh. Get a car or well, rent one. It’s very, very worth it.

3. Bukit Chandan visiting museums and such. God, this is not a field trip and it should not be one.

4. In bed with any of the current boys. Read: Micheal Jackson

Music

1. Soul Asylum: Runaway Train

2. Anything by Chicago

3. Pearl Jam

4. Goo-goo Dolls

5. Hotel California (“…you can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave…”)

Things that you should not bring to Kuala Kangsar on OBW

1. Your wife/girlfriends/beau/partner. You don’t want them to wonder aimlessly when you’re talking to Tunku Adnan do you? Besides, a weekend alone in KL with their best friends might be just what they need.

2. Any old pictures taken when you’re in Koleq. There’s a limit to being sentimental.

3. Emotional Baggage.