This is the reason why I’ve been depressed all this while. I just wanna know why, why for the love of god is it so hard to fall in love?

Or for people to love you back for that matter.

Honestly I’m sick of this whole thing. But I can’t seem to just let it go. I’m sick of not being able to function well without that much awaited sms, or that call, or that oh so familiar ringtones. Somehow I guess people just don’t give a damn about love anymore. Maybe love to them is a disease that they somehow have to avoid.

It’s bet to avoid it rather than get sick.

Being an Aries I can’t help but being aggressive when I fall in love. Aggressive in the sense that I wanna know where I stand, all the time. I know this is stupid but I just can’t help not being next to the person I love all the time. And it hurts badly when you are all alone in your bed waiting for that final sms before you sleep. Or that final call telling you that somebody out there is thinking of you.

Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of that person so badly that I can’t cry. Do you know how hard it feels when you can’t cry? It shows that you’re helpless. Even your body rejects the idea of love. And you know how it feels going to bed at night thinking that tomorrow is always going to be better than today, but when you wake up in the morning, nothing has change, you are still you and that person is still there.

And to find your phone silent, without any messages?

I do
I do, by god I do. Every night I go through the same thing over and over again. And it’s even harder when I can’t sleep lately, and I end up spending the whole night thinking about that person.

I envy Mokciknab, Papa Khalid, Che Kam and people who have somebody they can look forward to after office hours. I envy them. Because they lead such happy lives. I know that they are not perfect and that they fight all the time. But I want that. To hell with perfection. Who needs perfection when you can just wake up to that oh so familiar face every morning? Knowing that somebody out there loves you and the thought of spending your days with that person.

I would give everything, everything to have somebody loves me.

I know that it’s not going to last forever.

‘Why start when you know how it’s going end?’

But hey,

‘Nothing last forever, there’s got to be something better in the middle.’

I want to cherish or spend that minute fraction of time with that somebody. I know that it’s not going to last forever. People don’t somehow see what’s in the middle.

I think people have fallen out of love. Every single one of them.

If not why is love so foreign?

on raya

raya was fun. this year my parents decided to stay in bangi until after semayang raya. my auntie who's staying in singapore joined us two days before raya. unlike the previous years, we decided to skip the whole masak lemang and just get them from my father's friend for 2 ringgit a tube (the lemang akhirnya tak dimakan since we were very, very tired from the journey back to melaka).

masa smayang raya suddenly i felt overdressed lah plak. i had a baju malayu hitam with samping hitam. orang orang indonesia lain datang pakai kain and baju melayu je. mind you, lepas semua orang melayu blah balik kampung the only ones left were orang orang indonesia yang kilang nye masih beroperasi sebelum, semasa and selepas raya.

on balik kampung

sampai kampung je we went to empat rumah sahaja. since my younger brother dah sakit perut (makan rendang from singapore, he said) we decided to just stay at home (rumah kampung) and tido. the heat was unbearable. it was ala ala 10 degrees below hell.

the next day after hantar my auntie ke melaka, kitorang ( me and my two younger brothers) made our way to jonker walk/street.

i was looking for second hand books yang cheap and smart. my brothers just wanted to escape the heat and the constant stream of visiting relatives.

so we jalan jalan and tengok barang barang antique. my two brothers were very very interested in coins and medallions. me on the other hand was concentrating on finding an old book worth buying.

lepas jalan jalan we makan.

on aishah

lagu camar yang pulang and anita serawak's bisikan cinta are two of my favourite malay songs rite now. i can listen to them over and over and over again. and i do.