My friend called me from Japan just now. I was asleep when the phone rang. As usual we talked for a bit ‘bout life and such. He just celebrated his senior’s birthday in Japan. They cooked and hang out. Tomorrow they are having an interclass match of footballs and such. I told him how lazy I am rite now to do anything. How boring life is and yaydaydyayday. You know the whole lot. He’s my best friend since form one when we were in MCKK.

It’s really nice talking to him. Come to think of it, has been almost 9 years. 9 freaking years. It’s really funny how some people can sustain that long a relationship (mind you my last ‘serious relationship’ lasted for a mere a month and a half). It’s crazy. Hehehehehe. We of course like other friends have our fair share of ups and downs. Mostly ups. But when we fight, it’s like shit. Some fights lasted for months over some stupid stuff. Can't remember what. Most of the time we made up thru letters. hehehe. How naive!

Not that I’m complaining or anything, it’s just that I think when you re young it’s kinda easy for you to make acquaintances. You know you don’t know much + you don’t actually have that prominent a personality yet. I am talking bout 12, 13 y.o kid. So you make friends and you kinda grow up with them sharing stuff throughout yer teenage years and such. For a 30 y.o guy and 30 y.o gal to become friends is pretty hard. You actually have 30 years worth of stories and such to catch up. Then only can you become good friends. For a 12 y.o kid, nothing is more interesting then toys and such.
I guess we are goin’ to be friends for a long long time

Besides that, I talked to Isma this afternoon since I didn’t have class today. We talked about life (again) and stuff. Told him bout my weekend and how I wanna just forget about my ever-increasing assignment and let loose. I’ve not been letting myself loose since, gosh, quite I while. Most of the time I just sit in front of the computer drafting out plans and such. It may sound boring but I guess it’s just one of those things that you have to do. Finish school. Can’t wait to earn my own money. Hohohhooh. Anyway Isma was being really nice and we talked about relationships and how to deal with people and such. It was a relief since I desperately needed to talk to somebody, anybody for that matter. Chotz was busy with his work so basically Isma had no choice. Hohohoho. Not like he was doin’ anything at that time anyway (sorry Isma).

I arrived home late after another night out in K.L. As I lay my head down, a question crept into my mind.
What if?

The inevitable Question every man has to face at least once in their Lifetime. The ‘what if’ is a question I dread to even think about. ‘What if’ this, ‘what if’ that?

I lit a cigarette and proceed to exporting files for today’s class. As the plan appeared on the screen, I couldn’t help but remembering Robert Blake’s poem, The Road Less Taken.

‘Knowing how way leads to way, I shall never be here again’ or something. Blake talked about how sometimes people have to make choices, and these choices may not be the best, but the thought of doing something that has never been done before may provide a relief to these people. Maybe they have seen what the ‘road most frequently taken’ did to people around them.

I lamented over the road I took years ago. It was the one of the most difficult choice. But I did it. And the thought of it after years made me smile. How naïve I was. How eager I was to know people. Sufficient to say that it was a torture rather than a pleasure. Years later, precisely a few days ago, the question was brought up again. Why? Why did I do it?

I wish I have the answers. I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had…. I don’t know whether wishing is a good word. I took another drag of smoke. Memories. Time. Wishing that every puff I take can at least do something. Turn back time. Whatever. At least something.

What I fear to ask myself sometimes may not be “what if I had done it differently but ‘what if I never get a second chance at it’. I know that there’s a lot to look forward to in life, but knowing that I will never be at the same junction again. The same time and place. That’s what I fear most. The chance of never having that chance again.

We as human make mistakes. Countless. These mistakes are the thing that will shape us in the future. But what if by committing that one stupid mistake, you are denied of something great. Something that you have always dreamt about.

Sometimes I just pray that I will never be at a junction where only two paths are at present. I wish there’s more path. Its like having the possibilities and the result spread into a very thin percentage of disappointment and happiness. If I have only two choices, deciding to go with which may be quite difficult. Both bear the same percentage. 50/50. The possibility of getting hurt may be at large. But if I have let say 5 choices, the possibilities of getting hurt may not be as much. Don’t ask me why. It 6.30 in the morning. Sunrise and sunset drive me crazy. The mere thought that something has ended and a new thing is about to begin scares the shit out of me.

I ended another weekend in my life with another cigarette. Mr. Marlboro Lights, my best friend. Whom I have traveled through numerous important moments in my life. Sometimes I think that being a cigarette may be nice since you are born to do one thing. To provide pleasure.
‘Give me a cigarette and a cup of coffee, and I’ll be happy’

As to mistakes and what ifs, I know that somewhere out there, another chance awaits me. I know that sometimes decision has to be made no matter how hard it is. Till then I just pray that it will be an easy one.